The Cutest Thing Ever

I think we can all easily agree that the cutest thing ever is a kitten hugging a rabbit, up in a tree, and they are scared because they don’t know how to get down, but at least they’ve got each other. We see this and think: Yes.

But if we pause, and take a step back, we realize that this is really only the cutest thing on the internet.

Some differences between real life and the internet:

  • the types of harm that may befall you;
  • the likelihood of someone you’ve never met using false accusations to destroy your will;
  • the durability of your force field;
  • your ability to breathe.

Maybe another idea for the cutest thing ever is when you are asleep in bed, and in the middle of the night the gray things come bending down out of the walls, slowly lowering their vapory torsos until their faces are hovering just inches from yours. And they sway and stare at you for hours, covering you like a writhing fog all night, and they would never touch you or try to wake you, even if you were in danger.

Which is to say: who is to say.

Which is to say: the night is not a metaphor. The night is what it always has been: a time of utter darkness. And look: in this darkness, the universe becomes illuminated.

Some differences between the night and the internet:

  • the night has teeth, but they are often hidden;
  • the internet has teeth, but they are often imaginary;
  • the internet wants your spirit, and will die without it;
  • the night is patient.

The internet can have it. The internet can has whatever it wants. The night is agnostic about the internet.

When you wake, you and I will be that kitten and that rabbit. And the tree will be the rattling binary of the internet. And how to get down will be wait until night. Let the day wash over you until all that is left is the universe.

A small, alive thing.

“Here,” you said. “Hold this.”
I held out my hands and received
something small and heavy, contained
within a clump of downy black feathers.
“What is it?” I asked.
“It’s the internet,” you said.
“Just hold it for a minute. Don’t put it down.”

I sat,
holding it in cupped hands,
away from my body,
its heartbeat thrumming wildly against my fingers.

“Hey,” I called out,
“Does it have a mouth? Will it bite me?”
No answer.
The house was suddenly very quiet.
I looked out the window and saw that your car was gone.
There were already black feathers up to my wrists.

I decided that if you ever returned,
I would set the house on fire
with you in it.

Alone In The City of Order & Desire

The universe has invisible strings that are connected to your skin. And sometimes the universe will pull itself away from you, and the strings will tighten and cause your skin to tear away. And your soul will escape, and it will go flying up, out into everything. This will happen to you.

When I got to the hotel I turned on the TV and took the longest shower ever.

I stood by the window in my bathrobe and looked out at this new landscape. Alone in a city in a hotel room. I didn’t recognize it and I didn’t care.

There are voices, and a far away sub-surface electronic humming. And when you turn off the TV they’re still there, because it’s not the TV, it’s everything. The vibration against your skin.

I sat on the bed and ordered room service and tried to make myself, oh, just as far away from you as possible. The universe gave me back my skin.

The Last Person On The Internet

5:01 pm on the internet and once again I’m the last one here. Thanks guys. Thanks, blogosphere. So I turn off the printer, and I shut off the coffee maker (which no one else ever remembers to do), and I lock up and basically just do everything.

Seriously, every day you show up maybe by 10, then spend a couple of hours checking email and Facebook. Then you have a two hour lunch, and you insist that you need all the time because you have to take pictures of everything for Flickr, but come on guys, it’s just pizza and hamburgers. And then maybe, if your tummy feels OK and you’re not too distracted by YouTube, you bang out a couple of posts before ducking out right at 5. How is that fair. How is that helping.

Do you know how many lists of the Best Albums, Videos, Songs, and Logos So Far This Year we still have to write? Do you see, over by the fax machine, how big that pile of celebrity upskirts is getting? There are right now literally thousands of lifehacks going undocumented. Is that what you want?

Fine, whatever. I will make sure there are enough guesses about upcoming Apple products to get the internet started in the morning, but someone else is going to have to go through the Microsoft vs Google pile. I can’t be in charge of everything.

Oh but shoot did I remember to empty out the coffee maker? I can’t remember if I emptied it out or not. I think maybe I did? Or did I get distracted organizing the shelves where we keep the posts about funny t-shirts? Screw it, the internet can clean out its own coffee maker for once. I did plenty today. If half the bloggers get fired and replaced by robots tomorrow, that is not going to be my fault.