The Last Person On The Internet

5:01 pm on the internet and once again I’m the last one here. Thanks guys. Thanks, blogosphere. So I turn off the printer, and I shut off the coffee maker (which no one else ever remembers to do), and I lock up and basically just do everything.

Seriously, every day you show up maybe by 10, then spend a couple of hours checking email and Facebook. Then you have a two hour lunch, and you insist that you need all the time because you have to take pictures of everything for Flickr, but come on guys, it’s just pizza and hamburgers. And then maybe, if your tummy feels OK and you’re not too distracted by YouTube, you bang out a couple of posts before ducking out right at 5. How is that fair. How is that helping.

Do you know how many lists of the Best Albums, Videos, Songs, and Logos So Far This Year we still have to write? Do you see, over by the fax machine, how big that pile of celebrity upskirts is getting? There are right now literally thousands of lifehacks going undocumented. Is that what you want?

Fine, whatever. I will make sure there are enough guesses about upcoming Apple products to get the internet started in the morning, but someone else is going to have to go through the Microsoft vs Google pile. I can’t be in charge of everything.

Oh but shoot did I remember to empty out the coffee maker? I can’t remember if I emptied it out or not. I think maybe I did? Or did I get distracted organizing the shelves where we keep the posts about funny t-shirts? Screw it, the internet can clean out its own coffee maker for once. I did plenty today. If half the bloggers get fired and replaced by robots tomorrow, that is not going to be my fault.