[This originally appeared in the now-defunct Eyeshot.net.]
When you enter the room grab the nearest stubble-faced shlub by the collar and get right in his face and in a voice that lets anyone within earshot know you’re tired of being pushed around, say “Look here, chummo,”.
When you enter the room, as soon as you see a person who is physically attractive, nod almost imperceptibly and say under your breath: “Now that’s more like it.”
When you enter the room stride purposefully toward the center, then suddenly realize you have no idea where you are, or what you’re doing there.
When you enter the room dim the lights and use your all-purpose remote control to skip to track six on your copy of Peabo Bryson’s Super Hits CD.
When you enter the room suddenly get very dizzy and collapse in an attempt to remind yourself that the floor is still below you, despite the way it’s tumbling head over feet with the ceiling.
When you enter the room it is generally held that you have eight seconds to pick out who you will talk to before people notice you standing there and mentally label you as “indecisive.”
When you enter the room it’s find the Afikoman or die trying.
When you enter the room try twirling your pen in your fingers and see if she goes for that sort of thing.
When you enter the room you must be so completely in character that you can actually see the old you standing out in the hallway, watching you and thinking “Gosh, what a great job he’s doing.”
When you enter the room change the toner, grab some pens, and get the hell out of there before people start asking questions.
When you enter the room try to imagine none of this is real.
When you enter the room go right up to the podium, rap thrice quickly on the microphone and say “Alright none of us wants to be here so I’ll keep it short and sweet.”
When you enter the room ask for Blanche, then take a seat and wait patiently.
When you enter the room be all fancy.
When you enter the room stop and listen to hear if they lock the door behind you.
When you enter the room hold your arm out, pointing your index finger away from your body and parallel to the floor, and keeping your thumb up and perpendicular to the floor, so that your hand looks like a gun.
When you enter the room jump on the couch and yell “Did somebody say ‘beer pong’?”
When you enter the room do it humbly and remember that they are here to help you, and not the other way around, although yes, learning is a two-way street, we did talk about that last week.