total dear diary: 58-49

58. They say: You are making a mistake. When it is too late, you will regret your decision. I think: You do not know me at all, because I do not regret things.

57. But the thing is I do worry about that sometimes, and I hate to admit it, even to myself. Lingering doubts. But what if’s. When I’m calm, thinking as rationally as I’m ever likely to, making mental lists of pros and cons, I think: My life is better without him in it. There is nothing to be gained by having any kind of relationship with him, whatsoever. But then I think: Really? Are you sure?

56. Yes I’m totally sure.

55. But still. I don’t meet many other people like me, people who aren’t willing to settle, people who aren’t willing to put up with certain things just for the sake of honoring misapplied ideas like Family or Duty or History. But those people must be out there. I know there are people who have reached their limit, made a decision to excise the person who causes them pain and anger, and live their lives never looking back.

54. Dear [person]: Did it work? Were you able to live without them? Do you miss them?

53. I do hold grudges. I hold them so long that invariably one day I realize I can’t quite remember the origin of the grudge, even though the attendant emotion feels as hot as ever. I often wish I had someone to coach me through these moments of forgetfulness and doubt. To fill in the things my brain must not want to remember. “Well for starters they did X to you. Then, amazingly, they did Y. And then they did Z, and you said You know what? Never mind. And you made a decision and it was the right decision, Kevin. Not to even mention when they did B and C! I mean…!”

52. I realize this may be the reason why I write: to keep a record of the things that anger or scare me.

51. You know, it’s difficult. Because I am not the person I want to be. I want to be on The Path. I want to be able to admit that I know nothing. I want to be a person of non-violence and compassion, who is able to forgive and understand. But I’m not.

50. I’m really not. I am angry and vengeful and something deep inside me takes true delight in that.

49. I know exactly what to burn with the fires you light.