we accumulated the most data during the times when we were happiest

One day I deactivate my social media accounts, for no one specific reason other than a growing accumulation of grief. This will just be until the end of the year, I think, but who can tell the years anymore. The calendar changes, maybe, but that’s it.

And every day since then I think: why don’t you just delete them entirely?

And I think:

  • but what if I regret it later
  • but you know it’s bad for you
  • but that’s where my friends are and without social idk what’s happening in their lives
  • but you still don’t really and it mainly just makes you want to buy things or feel bad about things
  • but everything makes me feel bad about things so shouldn’t I at least
  • but you know this is just an addiction
  • OK but what if my friends view my refusal to participate in social media as a referendum on their lives and life choices?
  • well I mean is it?
  • yeah but still
  • then they’re not really your friends?
  • they are as real friends as I am ever going to get locked up in this house?

Anyways. Other apps appear on my phone to take their place and some days it’s like I wake from a dream, slashing at tentacles, wildly deleting things off my phone. You haven’t really quit the thing if the thing you’re using to replace it is just as bad. And also why do I need four separate parking apps just to find parking in this city? But I do and that’s not my fault although I still internalize it as a failure.

Meanwhile, the wind and the rain pick up outside. It’s unclear if it’s safe to be out there or not. People get sick and sometimes they get better and sometimes they don’t. Sometimes people are just gone. Are they gone gone or just offline?

I watch minimum 5-6 hours of TV every day and absolutely delight in very second of it. There is nowhere else I would rather be.

Some days I think: when was the last time you updated your website, this is ridiculous. And then sometimes I think: my refusal to participate in a regular blogging schedule and content calendaring is a success of a kind. It is a thing to be proud of. Instead I just do what I normally do, which is worry a lot about everything while feeling nothing about anything.

The wind is so loud outside. I wish you could hear it.