A Good Hand-Washing Experience

I had a really memorable hand-washing experience in Atlantic City a few weeks ago. Definitely want to mention it. For context I am somewhat of a germaphobe who washes his hands, idk, 30-40 times per day on the low side, so if I say one of those times was particularly memorable, and have been thinking about it ever since, you know I am not effing around.

So, public bathrooms, we’re all familiar, and we all recognize that having to touch the faucet controls/handle is a huge point of failure in what is supposed to be a germ-free experience. Hence the rise of the sensor water faucet that purports to provide a “touchless” hand-washing experience. Super great in theory, the future’s amazing, etc, except we all know they often don’t work, like, at all. You put your hands under the faucet, nothing happens, you wave them around, nothing happens, then some water comes out but you moved your hands too much so then it stops. Just a total fucking shitshow. Amateur hour. You know this, idk why I’m explaining it.

So. OK. Atlantic City. Not my favorite place on the planet. Kinda depressing. Kinda place you do not expect to have noteworthy hand-washing experiences. WELL. Let me tell you.

I was there with my family, we went out to dinner. Some Asian place. I forget the name. If anyone reads this and is interested I’ll google it but probably no one’s reading this so it’s fine. After ordering I go to wash my hands (having touched the menu, obvs). The bathroom’s dark and moody and frankly sexier than a bathroom has a right to be. Bad lighting for selfies though, or else you would have seen it on the ‘gram. So I go to wash my hands. Fancy spigot/sink situation, clearly a sensor faucet. I’m thinking Here we go. Hang on this deserves its own paragraph.

I place my hands under the faucet and exquisitely warm water SHOOTS OUT directly into my waiting palms. Not too forcefully, not to weak, not too hot or cold. Like a scientifically calibrated stream of water. I’m like Holy FUCK. I pull my hands back, the water ceases IMMEDIATELY. Put my hands back under, NO waving my hands around, just putting them exactly where you want the water to be, and BOOM, graceful-ass gorgeous stream of water, immediately there, with no pause or hesitation.

The way I described it to my brother when I got back to the table was: It was as though the water was already on its way to me. He could tell that I had been changed by this experience.

It was honestly the pinnacle. The way you always hope it will be but never is. I’m freaking out, my family is like Who gives a shit but they’re being polite. Turns out this was just in the men’s room – they had touch handles in the women’s room? tf is that??? I mean first of all fuck the gender binary, but on top of that there’s drastically different experiences between bathrooms? Based on gender presentation? Sorry to be controversial but fuck that.

Anyways big picture, I hope everyone can experience hand-washing like that all the time. Smaller picture, idk why that one bathroom on the planet had such good touchless sensors compared to every other bathroom on the planet, but for real that’ll always be a top 10 memory for me. Shut up.