So it was snowing this morning, and the guy, the TV news guy (not even the weather guy) was like “It’s snowin’ out there today, so if yer still at home, go back to bed!” and I was like “SHUT UP DAD I HAVE TO LIVE MY OWN LIFE.” I cannot be what the TV newsperson wants me to be. I have to be what I am. How did my dad even get that job.
Man, they don’t give up seats to old ladies on the T anymore. People barely even bother to use their turn signals anymore. And what’s all this I’m hearing about the government, and sick animals, and the price of various fossil fuels? I am just generally outraged.
My dad had a website about writing, but never wrote. So did a lot of people though.
I sat alone all day in an office on the 35th floor of a building in the middle of a city I used to hate and now am just indifferent towards.
Headliner: I challenge you to a game of horseshoes. A game of HORSESHOES.
So this guy walks into hold on let me take this call.
The guy on the phone (how did he get this number?) says: I don’t mind telling you I was feeling a little sad this morning [Audience goes “Awwwww.”]. I took the elevator down to the basement where there’s this little convenience store, so I could buy myself some candy [Audience yells sexually aggressive catcalls.]. One thing I bought was a box of Good ‘n Fruity [Audience chuckles sweetly, but you can hear one guy yell “Total truth in advertising!”]. A thin woman in a red dress got on the elevator with me, and we were silent the whole way up. Right before the doors opened up to let me out, the woman turns to me and whispers “I’m too skinny. I’m dying. Please help me.” The doors opened and I scuttled through.
…Do you think she just wanted my candy? [Thunderous applause].
On the way back to my office I stopped at the bathroom to wash my hands, and also because I have an Excel spreadsheet where I’m keeping track of how many lawyers actually wash their hands. Let’s just say the scales are decidedly tipped. Let’s also just say: be careful who you shake hands with.
My father sat alone all day looking at different papers at his desk in an office in the basement of a building in a very rural section of a state in the northeastern part of a country. It was snowing.