or whom? whomst? idk
Something I’ve been meditating on the past few months: who benefits from my anxiety.
I think the core belief here is that anxiety might be fake idea, like being in trouble.
Although the core core belief is that there was at some point an evolutionary need for anxiety to exist – awareness of possible threat, I assume. I’m not going to look it up, I’m not allowed to leave this page until this thought is finished.
So if it’s [life/the internet/my phone/capitalism] that’s giving me this anxiety what are we supposed to be learning there.
Look I take meds every day to get through the day, I’m not against it. I just start making this list, like
Beneficiaries of my anxiety include:
- big pharma, many of whom exist in buildings within a mile of my apartment, literally looming over me, I mean if I was a character in any book you would throw it angrily across the room;
- the therapy industrial complex, betterhelp et al (no disrespect just saying follow the money);
- forhims dot com;
- Ben & Jerry’s;
- The Target Corporation;
- The News/The NYT;
- various streaming services that lovingly keep me pinned to the couch;;;
I’m not on that list! Anywhere. Nor my friends/family/coworkers/neighbors/community. Just that whatever is giving me anxiety seems to be connected to the things I am supposed to do to alleviate said anxiety.
So what is the purpose of anxiety. What is the utility of this continuous post-millenial tension. I am not out here being attacked by lions my good bitch.
(This isn’t an anti-phone rant, the phone is how I tell my children to take out the trash. Our home life would crumble without it.)
Maybe it’s just a reminder to self to breathe once in a while if it’s not too much trouble. Maybe slightly pay attention to my body telling me something needs consideration. Or my self-care routines need running. Just like…occasionally enjoy stopping & resting in the shadow created by that big pharma building looming over my house.
I remember way back in the Deep Pandini I had this incredibly structured self-care system. I called it The Buckets System. I meant to tell you about it.
The Self-Care Nested Buckets System
The 4 Large Buckets
- Job search stuff
- Family stuff
- Rosalie stuff
- Self-care stuff
Every day must do 1 thing for each of the first 3 buckets, PLUS one thing from within each of the
The Self-Care Mini Buckets
1) Exercise
- [ ] Rollerblade
- [ ] Run
- [ ] Walk
- [ ] Bike
2) Creativity
- [ ] Drawing
- [ ] Music
- [ ] Blog post
- [ ] 750 words
3) Relaxation
- [ ] Do nothing
- [ ] Meditate
- [ ] Read
- [ ] Watch TV/Movies
4) Socialization
- [ ] Try to make a plan to see someone
- [ ] Have a social interaction
- [ ] Reach out to someone
- [ ] Call/text/email someone
What a fun, regular way to be a normal human being. But whatever, it absolutely did the thing it was supposed to do, aka get me through the day.
It was definitely easier when I was unemployed, I had nothing to do all day but take care of myself and the people around me. Is there a lesson there, who can say.
What was my original point. I’m suspicious of the purpose of anxiety in the modern era and feel it has limited utility of my life, like maybe there is really no reason whatsoever to take it seriously, so I am writing this out as a firm reminder to give this idea further consideration and either interrogate or completely disregard my anxiety when it appears.
There’s this scene where my favorite character (Amos) on one of my favorite shows (The Expanse) is talking to someone about something that’s been on the news and he has no idea what they’re talking about. And they’re like: Don’t you watch the news? And he says something akin to: I only pay attention to the things I can control.
That is an un-anxious guy right there. Like this guy gets it.